Confidence rebuild

A new day begins.  The temperature has dropped a little, so it was a much more comfortable nights sleep and it’s warm but still fresh this morning, there’s a little cloud cover so it’s not such a sticky start.  Just like any other day we’ve decided a rough time to be out the door, we get kit sorted after breakfast and head out for the day’s paddling.  After yesterday’s nerve-wracking paddle for me it’s suggested I paddle the first section from Velika Korita to Bunkerji, the others will continue through Bunkerji down to Zmuklica, and I will meet them there with the car for lunch.  After lunch we will all paddle Zmuklica to Cezsoca again but this time working more eddies and things to give me some more skills practice on water I feel comfortable on.

Knowing the plan is not to have anything that’ll have my adrenaline spiking, or send me in to panic, I’m keen to get on the water and practice my skills.  On the paddle through the first section I’m trying out different things, eddies in the middle of the river behind rocks which I usually don’t do, a surf on a tiny wave, and breaking down some of the rapids that are there, knowing if I don’t make an eddy I’m aiming for there is just a small flow to break in to and carry on through with very little to trip me up.  It’s good fun and before I know we it we’re at the spot where I stop for now.  I almost miss the eddy, but Rob is on the bank to pull me in.  Once my boat is on the car and I’ve changed to drive, I head on to Zmuklica in Keith’s car and the others paddle through.  I have time to take the lunch down to the river side (it’s that long walk in from the other day) and I have my book with me to read in the shade while I wait.

It’s very relaxing sitting there and it’s not too long before I see the others come through from the little gorge.  Keith is a bit annoyed at himself as he’d ended up with a swim in the top part of the gorge, but up to that point had a good paddle.  For more on that check out his FB post 'we're all between swims' here.  We have lunch and then get my boat and kit to the river, lunch away and the shuttle sorted for this afternoon.  While we wait for the shuttle, I look at the first little rapid.  Last year this rapid had my heart leaping, two days ago it looked easy.  Today I’m still a little shaken from yesterdays swim and I know I’m going to start testing myself a little so there’s a little rattle of nerves, but I’ve picked 3 eddies I want to go for at least. 

Once everyone is re-grouped the others have a play in the big wave on the exit from the gorge and then I let them know my plan for this first bit.  I make the eddies I’ve chosen plus one more, and then we carry on with some eddy practice as we go.  Sometimes I’m picking them and going for them myself and sometimes the others are pointing some out for me to try.  It makes it a harder run today, and part of this is that the river level has dropped over the last two days so there’s more exposed rocks and it’s a bit ‘scrappier’ in the shallow sections, but mostly because I’m pushing my boundaries.  I’m in stretch zone though so it’s harder but I can deal with the little bits of adrenaline and I just about have time to think.  There’re only a few places where I get flustered but it’s short lived, and I even test out being in front for a little while, still catching eddies so still testing myself. 

By the time we’ve finished I’m feeling good about the paddling today but in part feeling a bit silly about getting so wound up yesterday.  It’s very difficult to control your ‘primate brain’ and I’m struggling to find a level of paddling that stretches me but doesn’t get me panicked.  I’ve even looked back at go pro footage the others have of me paddling, and I can see what they see.  It doesn’t look like bad paddling, it’s not over tentative or wobbly and I don’t always look like I’m flapping.  I really am a duck.  I know that in time sections like the one we did yesterday could be fun.  There’s little consequence to not getting it right, it takes a little skill and concentration, but I can see how the moves can flow and it could feel exciting rather than terrifying, I’m just not there yet.

Today I’m looking back to where I started and trying to build my self esteem a little by reminding myself just how far I’ve come.  A little positive self-talk to remind me that I am a good paddler and I can do more physically than my mental state often has me believe, and I have done more.  I know the other tell me this often but it’s very hard to take in when it so strongly contradicts how you feel.  I will also look a little more at whatever footage others have of me that will hopefully help prove to myself I can do this.  Check this post from my 2017 Alps trip, less than 6 months in to paddling!!!

Photo from my first alps trip in the hero - Summer 2017

Here's a blog from 2017 - 2017 post one

Anyway, Brian is cooking this evening and it smells delicious, I'm sure it won't be long so I'm signing off again for now.  Watch this space for more of the holiday as it happens!