FEAR - Face Everything And Rise

Yesterday saw me return to the Tryweryn with a kayak for the first time in about 8 years.  It was all this time ago, that I took a swim out of my boat (not a suitable boat for my level at the time), and left kayaking behind, or so I'd thought.  My partner Keith is very much in to White Water Kayaking, and he's very good at it.  Since starting our relationship a few months ago, I've felt encouraged to give it another go, not just to join him on his adventures, but also to battle some demons of my own.

Taking chances with water is utterly terrifying for me, hence why it was so easy to let the sport go in the past.  I'm more than happy to go for a swim in a big lake on holiday, I'm a strong swimmer and do enjoy 'playing' in water, it's certainly refreshing to dive in to a cold lake on a hot day.  A gentle paddle on a flat river can also be quite enjoyable on a summers day, but I'm very aware of the power of water, and how quickly things can go wrong, if you don't have respect for it.  

This is the kind of  water I can be more than confident in...


I know very little of how to read water, let alone how to use what's there to my advantage, and as I often work on the principle that 'knowledge is power', I have just been avoiding the unknown beast that is the river, prefering instead to gaze at it's beauty in nature, from the safety of dry land.  I look in awe at people paddling all kids of boats, on all kinds of water, looking so at ease and comfortable, and can only imagine the feeling of being able to find the sweet spots, to get a thrill while being 'at one with nature' so to speak.  I have similar respect for those that fly planes or parachute etc, being able to find thermals in the skies, and glide on the air.

Having met with the other club memebers we made the journey over to Bala, with a few delays caused by road closures and accidents, the journey was longer than planned, and only gave me more time to consider the activity ahead.  By the time we arrived I already felt weak and shaky.  Putting on damp kit wasn't pleasant, and the nervous laughter and joking about this, only hid some of my terror from the other paddlers but not from myself.  Several of them asking if I was OK or how I was feeling (knowing that I was the newest paddler and not confident at all), I didn't have much of a positive response for anyone, and with a quick squeeze from Keith, I was already verging on tears.  I had been determined to try not to get tearful, and just go for it, but the closer I got to the water the harder this was.  

We got on the river below what is known as the chipper, a large grate across the river presumably to prevent any debris etc from going down stream.  I was once again feeling lost and like a child, as the water roared, relentless in it's course.  I opted again to get on at the bottom of the steps and the others took the seal launch in to the water.  I made my way down a little way with the others and got in to an eddy.  The water was strong, the view down stream looked intimidating, I was holding the side and the panic set in.  I was in tears already.  It felt ridiculous and yet I couldn't stop myself.  The weir at Knightwick is bigger, but before and after it there is just flat water, here each little feature was followed by another, and another, and another, none of which do I understand, only knowing that the water wasn't going to stop for me.

Having coaxed me a little out of the panic zone, Keith managed to encourage me to ferry out of the eddy and back in again.  Battling demons - Step one: make a start with things you know and can do easily, even if the circumstances make it feel daunting.

Having spent so much time in my panic zone over the day I can't tell you how exactly, but we made our way to another eddy further down and Jamie took over coaching me.  Partners coaching each other can be a recipe for disaster, and it's difficult from both sides, especially given the very recent nature of our relationship.  I don't doubt Keith's ability on the water at all, I don't doubt that he would keep me safe, nor would I have any problem suggesting someone else take coaching tips from him, but on the water what I need is calm, almost detached, coaching.  Information not love.  Knowing he was around felt like a safety net, but I was definelty more likely to succumb to the fear, be less rational, and allow him to give me the option to stop.

So with Jamie over the next couple of hours, we worked the top piece of water.  The pre-everything that didn't even have a name, because it barely had any features of note. I gather this was grade 1/2 water (although I'd have to confirm if this even had a grade, or if it was still only just considered moving water rather than flat).  There was enough though that as I started to bring the panic levels down from 11 out of 10 to around 7 or 8, I could learn a little more about eddy lines, roll overs, flushing water, boily water, the flow, crests and troughs in waves, stoppers, angle edge and speed differences that might be used to deal with these things, and more.  My confidence built up, and although I was still not comfortable with everything, I was satrting to feel able to try a few different things, to make each ferry glide or S turn as good as possible, sometimes meaning I missed the Plan A eddy and ended up in Plan B eddy. Fighting the demons - Step two: learn, breathe and repeat until you don't panic about having to take the plan B option.

We took a break as my back was aching, I think mostly from feeling so tense, but also because I'm still not used to the position, and the muscles used while paddling.  By this time the other paddlers had done a few runs of the 'upper' (the section of river from where we got on, down to the cafe), and had shuffled the cars around to make sure there was options for shuttling people and kit up back from the bottom of the 'lower' (the next section of river a couple of miles long, down in to Bala), which they were planing to do before they finished.  

Keith popped back to see how we were getting on, and the three of us went to take a look at the first part of the upper, called pre-graveyard.  It is a grade 2/3 section of water, with three features/drops, one after another, with a big eddy to get in to, before the river moves on to the section known as the graveyard.  The names do nothing to help make it feel inviting, but are nothing to do with the severity of the water.  I was unaware of the grade, and not certain of the name of the piece of water we were looking at, at the time.  Even so looking at the bottom feature, which was the bit that is grade 3, the guys telling me about the lines that you can take through it and so on, I was back to panic zone and now at a 12/10.  

I know exactly what the 'rabbit in the headlights' feeling is like now.  Everything said at this point, and pretty much everything going on around me was background noise, all a blur and out of focus.  All I could hear was the water, all I could see was the wave crashing down.  They were asking me if I wanted to give it a go.  Just a 'straight' run through.  I wanted so much to say yes.  To throw aside the fear and do it.  I've been told several times by now, I'm plenty good enough and controlled enough to do this run through with ease, but my mind just can't seem to believe it enough.  I want to go, but I'm so terrified I can't say so.  I manage, after more tears, to say so to Keith, and agreed to do the run, following Jamie so I didn't have to think about my line through, and Keith behind so I knew someone would see and be ready to rescue me if it all went wrong.  Not that there wasn't more than enough people and paddlers around, but knowing I had a set of eyes focussed just on me was comforting.

I was shaking from head to toe.  Back in the boats, we headed down to the eddy at the top of the little run.  Heart racing the guys trying to give me a bit more information, I focussed as hard as I could.  The Plan: Jamie leads.  I follow a couple of boat lengths behind (as ambiguous as car lengths in your driving test, but basically far enough that we wouldn't crash if I picked up a tiny bit more speed than him and not so far that I couldn't follow the line he was taking) and Keith would follow me.  Battling the demons - Step three: Make a plan, make it a safe as you can, then go on and do it despite the terror you have inside!

Jamie left the eddy after a few other paddlers and rafts had gone past, I reminded myself to keep breathing.  Break out facing up stream, a little edge, plenty of angle to make the turn to follow, look up, keep paddling, keep breathing, drifting a little right, correct course to keep on the same line, I heard Keith say something behind but I couldn't think about that now.  Keep following Jamie, lean forward, speed is my friend, keep paddling, only an active blade can help you.  Drop one, my heart is in my mouth.  No stopping now, the water won't pause for me.  Keep paddling, let your hips move with the boat, look up, keep breathing.  Drop two, I'm holding my breath, I might be sick if I let it out.  BREATHE, KEEP PADDLING, LOOK UP, ONLY ONE LEFT.  Down the last, the biggest, the fastest, BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE.  In to the eddy, don't forget to change the edge.  Oh, the relief of the relative safety of the still water.  Keith let out a little Woo! on my behalf, he had thought I might back out, and was feeling the rush of my success.   I have never felt such an overwhelming relief, and for some reason I had a little sob as my heart got back to my chest.  All the back ground still a blur, I can't believe that I did it.  The few that saw it, commented that it looked good and controlled.  

That was enough though, I was done for the day.  I couldn't take anymore mentally, and I was now too tired physically to feel like I could continue.  I got out of  my boat once I could tell myself to move, and as soon as my shaky feet were on dry land, the fog of the terror began to lift, the realiastion of what I'd achieved started to dawn, a bit of a smile started to play on my lips, and the background started to come back in to focus.  That feeling then washing over me that all the thrill seekers chase, the flood of endorphines after the big adrenaline rush.  A feeling I can't quite describe, and even if I had the words, I'm not sure they would do the feeling justice.  

Just then I noticed one of the other club paddlers swimming in to the eddy.  He had taken a swim, trying something new.  I'm not sure my face showed quite the concern I felt, as I was still reeling from my own achievement, but I asked if he was ok.  He was.  Swimming happens, especially when you are learning, and it's something that those paddling for a year or so seem to have gotten used to.  Even though Plan A, is of course, to remain in the boat!

I headed back to the car to change, while the group planned their last run of the 'upper'.  I made my way down in the car to meet them by the cafe, and after a bit of a wait (they had been playing on the features on the way through) I saw them come round the corner.  Another one having a swim.  I had no safety gear with me but I was prepped with a camera!  Another 'spectator' had a throw line though and got him in to the side.  

A couple of them took off after the kit, and I managed to get round the cafe to get the remainder on video through the feature called 'fingers'.  




And then I followed further on down to get some of the action on video at 'chapel falls'.












At this point Keith and I had to get back, so we left the group to carry on to run the 'lower' down to Bala, and headed home.  I still can't quite believe it... and as Keith hadn't thought I would be doing anymore, and hadn't done much with the go-pro, he had left it in the car when they shuffled them round, so there is no evidence either!  (Being on camera might have caused me to feel even more tense, so perhaps not such a bad thing).

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